


Anything to See You Smile

by Cyanocitta20



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Harry is a little underage, It’s just sweet and, M/M, Sad, but there’s nothing explicit, like at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27287176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyanocitta20/pseuds/Cyanocitta20
Summary: Everyone has a soulmate. This is something that all people know.When someone comes in direct contact with their soulmate at any point past the age of 10, they receive flashes of one of the best and one of the worst moments of their soulmate’s life. These memories are how they know they have met the person they’ve been looking for.One isn’t always given the chance to meet them - in fact many end up living their lives without ever finding their soulmate - always questioning, always searching, but never knowing.But there are also those people lucky enough to find their other half.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Harry Potter
Comments: 23
Kudos: 189





	1. Harry Potter

**Author's Note:**

> This is here for Halloween. Actually, it’s late since it’s way past midnight where I am, but I’m going to say it still counts because it is definitely Halloween in other places of the world.
> 
> That said, this actually has very little to do with Halloween. I just wished to celebrate it somehow :)

Everyone has a soulmate. This is something that all people know.

When someone comes in direct contact with their soulmate at any point past the age of 10, they receive flashes of one of the best and one of the worst moments of their soulmate’s life. These memories are how they know they have met the person they’ve been looking for. 

The memories can be of the past or of the future, single moments or entire days, something blurred and hazy or vividly realistic. 

The catch is that whatever you see, even if it is a vision of the future, it did or will happen exactly as you’ve seen it. There is no way to change the scene you see, that is impossible. Your vision is something set in stone, permanent, and this is why some dread the scenes they may witness - especially the second. 

Nonetheless, these soulmate visions are part of what helps one understand their soulmate, to see what the other deems important in their lives and what means a lot to them. In seeing one’s soulmate in one of their best and worst moments, one starts to learn what kind of person they are. 

Of course, that is only if you manage to actually meet your soulmate.

One isn’t always given the chance to meet them, sometimes living too far away, sometimes born in different timelines, sometimes passing by each other without realization. In fact, many end up living their lives without ever finding their soulmate - always questioning, always searching, but never knowing.

But there are also those people lucky enough to find their other half.

* * *

Harry Potter often wondered, while growing up, what his soulmate would be like. Whether they’d actually want him. Or if they even did exist. The Dursleys had always enjoyed informing him that freaks like him did not have soulmates, after all. Harry had learned never to put much weight on their words, but it did not stop him from questioning whether they might be right sometimes. He wasn’t anyone special, quite the opposite, and surely whoever was his soulmate would prefer someone else.

Harry had never heard of a case where someone refused their soulmate, but weird things had a tendency to happen to him anyway - he wouldn’t be surprised if he became the first.

At the same time, he couldn’t help imagining what it would be like if he did have someone to be there for him, to support him and to love him. It was no more than a fantasy, one that he rarely let himself indulge in, but it was always a nice thought whenever things went downhill.

And so Harry was more than a little bewildered when, at age 13, he came into contact with none other than Sirius Black - possible mass murderer, escaped Azkaban prisoner, his parents’ former friend, and apparently his godfather - only to be violently thrust into a vision.

He looked up, still confused, only to find himself face to face with… himself?

Harry blinked. No, that wasn’t him. It was - it _had_ to be - his father.

Shaking himself out of his surprise so that he could focus on the other aspects of what could only be a past memory, Harry was once more reduced to stunned silence. 

For there his mother sat, on a hospital bed, with a tiny, crying bundle in her arms. 

It was, unquestionably, the day of his own birth. 

Still wide-eyed, he stared into the faces of his parents, taking in how young they were, how _happy._ Harry had thought he knew what they looked like from the few pictures he had, but this somehow felt completely different. More tangible, in a way.

And, with them, Harry noticed Black. He, too, was so much younger, wild and carefree. There was none of the haggard, haunted look that Harry had seen mere moments ago. It was almost surreal, the drastic contrast between the two. 

Harry watched on as his parents spoke to Black, asking him to be godfather. And he watched as Black accepted easily, a broad grin fixed on his face. It wasn’t hard to tell that the three of them were closer than family, brought together by a bond unlike any other. 

Black reached out, with the obvious intention to bring baby Harry into his arms, and the vision cut off just as Harry realized with another shock that Black must have known, from that very day, just _who_ Harry was.

Before he had any time to consider this revelation - Black’s happy memory was, of all things, _Harry’s birth -_ he was immediately swept into another vision, this one with an entirely different atmosphere. 

He found himself in a cold dark night, in front of a house. A strange feeling of dread, and of terror surrounded them as Black cautiously entered the house.

 _This must be Godric’s Hallow,_ Harry realized. Which meant that this was…

Harry looked, horrified, as Black found his parents on the floor, cold and lifeless - the exact opposite of how Harry had just seen them. He shut his eyes against the image, willing, _praying,_ it out of his mind.

He only forced himself to peek when he heard crying, now finding Black with baby Harry once more in his arms, making his way back out the door.

And Harry watched him calmly send the baby off with Hagrid on his flying motorcycle.

Only then did the man show his true emotions - devastation, despair, guilt, and so many others Harry could not name. 

Witnessing the events unfolding before him with an ever growing apprehension, Harry watched Black look for Pettigrew, watched him be framed, watched him, an innocent man, be taken away to Azkaban for something he had not done.

And, just as suddenly as it had begun, Harry was jerked out of the memory into the real world, where his eyes immediately fell on Black. He was being cornered by the others, pushed up against the wall of the Shrieking Shack. Their eyes locked, and Harry found himself speaking up.

“Wait, stop.”

* * *

Not long later, with a couple rushed words and promises of a proper explanation later, they successfully had the rat, the true traitor, tied up and were on their way to Dumbledore’s office. 

Harry hesitantly looked back when Black called for him, unsure what to say or how to react. He wasn’t at all ready to talk about what he’d learned or what he’d seen, or even about the fact that they were apparently soulmates. He needed time to process things.

Fortunately, Black had no intention of rushing. He seemed to notice Harry’s reluctance to discuss certain topics, and steered clear of anything that would make him uncomfortable.

Instead, he offered a home, a home _away from the Dursleys._ It took Harry absolutely no time to answer - it was all he had wished for his entire life.

"You want to? You mean it?" Black asked when Harry immediately accepted his offer.

"Yeah, I mean it!" he replied, almost giddy at the sudden excitement that filled him.

And as a smile broke out on Black’s face, Harry couldn’t help but stare. The man still looked ragged and starved, but it was astonishing just how different he looked with a smile, and Harry could now see the resemblance between this man and the one in his visions.

Ultimately it was this one smile that changed things. Harry knew, in that moment, that he would fight to keep the smile permanent, in any way he could. To bring back the former Sirius (as Harry had been told to call the older man) that had been forcefully ripped away. 

The rat, unfortunately, succeeded in his escape, but Sirius was able to get away safely, and Harry was left anticipating what changes this unexpected turn would bring into his life. He now had a _soulmate._ And a godfather.

* * *

Soon after the escape, a letter arrived for Harry, which was the beginning of a continuous back and forth of letters of all kinds between the two. 

Mostly, they talked about Harry’s life at Hogwarts, and how he was doing. But Sirius also often included tales of the Marauders and their adventures as well, and Harry drank it all in enthusiastically. He learned so many things about his parents that he’d never known, and a lot about Sirius and Professor Lupin. 

Their correspondence continued all through the summer and into the next year, writing about anything and everything at this point. 

At first, Harry doubted that Sirius even wanted to get to know him as someone other than just his godson. He worried that maybe the age gap was too much, or that Sirius truly only saw him as his friend’s son. 

He didn’t want that. Well, he didn’t want a _romantic_ relationship at the moment, but he didn’t want to completely rule out the idea of one in the future, either. So Harry kept busy writing letters and getting to know everything he could about the other man. After a while, they also began arranging meetings during Hogsmeade weeks.

Admittedly, the two were only able to physically meet a handful of times throughout the year, and most of those times had been shadowed by the stress of the Triwizard Tournament, but Harry had never enjoyed spending time with someone as much as he did Sirius. His letters and short meetings were what brought him through the year. It wasn’t hard for Harry to figure out that Sirius was quickly becoming the most important person in his life.

After that, it didn’t take long to realize that he did want more than just a friendship or godfather-godson relationship. The two of them just clicked, somehow. Whether that was a soulmate thing or just something between himself and Sirius, Harry did not know. He couldn’t quite explain his thoughts and feelings, but he knew what he wanted. And because Harry wasn’t a Gryffindor for nothing, he steeled his nerves and walked straight up to Sirius, telling him exactly so.

Eventually, though Sirius did seem to have some worries - mostly about Harry’s age - they did get together. They were still quiet about it, keeping mostly to themselves, and to an outsider, their relationship might have seemed unremarkable for a soulmate bond. 

But the little moments they had meant more to Harry than he could say. Sirius was the first person who Harry truly felt was on his side (with the exception of Ron and Hermione, but they had each other and their respective families) and even with the war, Harry knew he’d never felt so grounded and content as he did when he was with Sirius.

* * *

On his fifteenth birthday, Harry finally gathered up his courage and talked to Sirius about the visions he’d had that night at the Shrieking Shack. They were already visions of the past, and he thought Sirius most likely had a hunch already. In fact the only reason Harry hadn’t bothered to tell Sirius before was because he couldn’t help but choke up whenever he thought of that night and his parents. 

His suspicions that Sirius already knew were correct, as Sirius only nodded gravely and brought him closer for a tight hug, as though making sure that Harry was still there.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. I wish I could take it away from you, you should never have had to see such a sight. It’s supposed to be my worst memory, and I fear it might have become one of yours, instead.”

Harry pulled the older man even closer, hoping to give him comfort. He knew Sirius blamed himself, never mind that Harry had told him over and over that it wasn’t his fault. He felt Sirius sigh against him and tilted his head up, finding that Sirius had closed his eyes.

Cautiously, Harry questioned what Sirius had seen. Sirius never mentioned anything about it, but Harry would be lying if he said that he wasn’t curious. 

A moment of silence passed.

“I’ll tell you someday, Harry. Someday. Not today, though, because we have better things to do on your birthday, don’t we? You are going to have the best birthday _ever.”_

When Harry blinked and looked up in confusion at the unexpected change of topic, he found himself face to face with a large black grim, the dog grinning wildly as it chased him down the stairs.

Harry laughed and let Padfoot jump on him, the darkness of the earlier conversation evaporating as others heard them and started joining in their celebration.

He did not receive an answer that day, but Harry definitely had the best birthday he’d ever had, and the question was forgotten in his excitement.

* * *

Harry sat leaning against Sirius, comfortably settled and a little drowsy. Once again, the threat of war loomed over them, but for the moment Harry had let go of his troubles and was letting himself be petted and comforted by his older soulmate.

He sent a silent prayer to whoever had decided to gift him with the presence of Sirius in his life. It was nothing short of a miracle, and Harry marvelled at how easily Sirius was able to keep him calm when the rest of the world was trying to drive him insane.

“Sirius?”

Sirius hummed in response.

“When all this is over… what do you think we’ll be doing?”

Harry regretted the question as soon as it left his mouth. It was an honest question, but all things considered, it was a bit of a pointless one when they were in the midst of a war, unpredictable and dangerous. He wasn’t sure what answer he wanted to hear.

As always, though, Sirius seemed to understand him better than he did himself. 

Harry felt Sirius shift a little, holding him tighter. He wasn’t certain, but Harry thought he felt Sirius place a kiss to his head, making him smile a little foolishly. He listened on as began Sirius talking of the future they would have together, one of peace, of families and friends and everything he’d never thought he would have.

As he listened, he found himself hoping for that future, even a fraction of it. Then again, he knew he’d be happy anywhere so long as Sirius was with him.

He sighed contentedly, closing his eyes and simply letting himself enjoy the sound of his soulmate’s voice speaking softly to him. Somewhere along the way, he fell asleep, dreaming of seas and sun and family and home.

* * *

Harry knew he loved Sirius. How could he not? The man had done everything for him, and his presence was irreplaceable in his life. He loved Sirius’s mischievous nature, which seemed to have come back full-force by now, and was a breath of fresh air in the otherwise too suffocating days. He loved him so much that he nearly blurted it out, several times.

But Harry was also a little afraid of saying anything. His insecurities were a permanent problem, and despite that they had been together for a while now and that they were literally soulmates, Harry couldn’t bring himself to say it first.

Which was why he froze up when he heard the whispered “I love you” that Sirius said when they parted after a hug one day.

Harry failed to respond right away, but Sirius only laughed and ruffled his hair, sending him off.

Harry did manage to speak up the next time it happened, though, and it became an everyday routine for them. Sirius would tell Harry he loved him, and Harry would respond, though still a little shy. 

It really seemed that Sirius was very verbally (and physically) affectionate, though, for Harry found himself on the receiving end of the sentiment multiple times, every day. In the morning, at night, whenever Harry was cuddled next to him, at the end of every letter, Sirius never failed to express his feelings.

He never admitted it, but Harry loved how much Sirius told him he loved him. It was new, being loved by someone, and if he didn’t understand why Sirius would love him, he was glad that was the case.

So he tried to respond in kind, beginning to say it first sometimes, slowly but surely becoming bolder and more confident in his own emotions. 

Whenever he did, Sirius would smile brightly, that smile he loved so much and knew was reserved for him only, and it made everything worth it.

* * *

For the first time, Harry left Hogwarts for Easter holidays. He’d been pleasantly surprised when Sirius requested him to come, and he’d quickly accepted because more time with Sirius was always a blessing.

As expected, Harry loved each moment he had, relishing in being able to have Sirius all to himself. They’d always had to share Grimmauld Place, but it seemed that for once, they were being left alone. 

It wasn’t that the two of them necessarily did anything that would be considered special, but Harry’s favorite moments had always been the quiet ones, just being together. He knew it was the same for Sirius, and knowing how stressful it was for Sirius to be locked up all the time, he tried to cheer him up for the duration that he stayed.

Thankfully, it seemed to work. The holidays served as an outlet for the both of them, and Harry found himself relaxing for the first time since… well, since the last time he’d been with his soulmate.

Harry did find it a little odd when Sirius seemed to space out a couple times, only to suddenly jerk back and turn to him with another crazy idea. He had the feeling there was something on Sirius’s mind, but decided to wait it out - if it was something important, surely Sirius would tell him in time. That, he had no doubt of.

So Harry just focused on enjoying himself and making Sirius enjoy their time as well, going along with any scheme he came up with. 

When it was time to go back, Harry found himself reluctant to leave, for once. Hogwarts had always been his escape and his home, but here, with Sirius, was another comfort, another home that he’d never had. He would, no doubt, miss it. He would miss Sirius most of all.

 _I’ll see him for summer_ , he told himself, pushing down his disappointment as he stepped away.

It wasn’t enough to scratch the sudden weird nagging feeling in his brain.

* * *

Taking his OWLs, Harry suddenly felt his scar flare, the tell-tale sign of an unwanted vision forcing its way into his mind. 

Voldemort, it seemed, had realized that Sirius meant a lot to Harry. 

Only one thought rang in Harry’s head as he ran out, desperate to save the one he held closest to his heart.

_No. Not Sirius. Please._

Followed by a few of his friends, Harry rushed to the Department of Mysteries, praying that he wasn’t too late, that Sirius was still alive and well, _please-_

But it was a trap. A lure, devised for the purpose of bringing him here. 

And Harry had fallen for it. Pathetically, idiotically, and had he even learned anything from past mistakes?

He’d stupidly fallen for the trick and brought his friends into danger. They’d only followed him because he had been so adamant on not listening to their assurances that Sirius was fine. 

_I should have known better,_ Harry berated himself as he fought, hoping that, by some miracle, they’d make it out here alive.

He’d never forgive himself if any of his friends failed to. 

_Never._

He’d risk his own life before he let that happen. 

It was with this determination, to keep his friends alive, that Harry fought against the Death Eaters. 

And just when he was losing hope, Harry noticed the Order arrive, an intense relief flowing into him. He couldn’t have been more grateful for their timing. 

That was, until Sirius fell beyond the Veil of Death.

* * *

The moment Sirius fell through, Harry fought to reach him, rushing forward with every intention of going after. 

But he was held back, and Harry watched on, terrified, seeing but no longer comprehending. He told himself that Sirius would come straight back out, of course he would, there was no possible way-

Yet moments, minutes passed by, with no sign.

Harry was numb. Empty. His brain was still processing what he had seen, his eyes dull and unfocused.

Only once he reached Dumbledore’s office, still dazed, did he finally realize.

His fault. It was all his fault. How could he possibly have been so stupid? Had he learned nothing from all the trouble his past rash decisions had gotten him into?

He’d been irresponsible and brash one too many times, and his soulmate had paid for it. 

Sirius, who’d never done anything wrong. Who had come looking for Harry, even at the danger it posed to him as a wanted man. Who meant everything to Harry, and was an unparallelled force in his life. Who, because of himself, he would never see again.

As reality struck him, stronger and more agonizing than any spell could ever dream to be, Harry lost himself to his emotions.

He screamed and sobbed, uncaring of the mess he was creating in the headmaster’s office. What did it matter if he ruined Dumbledore’s belongings? Nothing meant anything to him anymore, not anymore. 

Not when he’d lost the one thing that kept him sane.

* * *

Harry raged at the world, at Dumbledore and his secrets, at the prophecy and its existence, and most of all, at himself. 

And when he was too tired to continue, he quietly, dreadingly, returned to Grimmauld Place. 

The silence was crippling, and Harry nearly turned away, only barely managing to take the steps upstairs.

He paused in front of Sirius’s door, wondering if he dared to enter. If his heart could take any more.

Slowly, his hand reached out, finding the doorknob and carefully creaking the door open. 

He closed his eyes and took a step in, then two and three, eventually coming to a stop and opening his eyes.

He looked around, taking in the familiar and yet foreign surroundings, only to find a letter, folded and placed neatly on the desk, addressed to him.

In Sirius’s writing.

With trembling hands, Harry picked it up, tracing his fingers along the words. Both curious and fearful of the content it could hold, he opened the letter and started reading, letting the words wash over him.

And when he was done he read it again and again, taking each last word and carving it into his heart. He did not notice the way more tears were running down his face, nor the way time was passing outside. He remained lost and alone, with nothing but himself and the letter to both comfort and ruin him.

It was only many hours later, having nearly commited the letter to memory, that he finally shifted to raise his head, his eyes involuntarily looking out the window and finding a single, bright star, somehow settled just _right there_ , just where he could see it clearly.

“I love you, too,” he choked out into the shadows. He had so many words left unsaid, so many things left unshared, but his throat seemed to close upon itself, cutting him off.

But his eyes remained fixed on the star, blurred as it was from his tears, and Harry felt the corner of his mouth quirk up just a little, a small, pained smile. 

For a moment, he imagined Sirius smiling back.

And Harry vowed never to forgive himself for this day. He would not forget what led him here, how he’d made the worst mistake he’d ever make.

He was aware he’d never love another. He’d had his chance, and he’d cut it short. His loss was a consequence of his own actions, and he could not escape it.

But he would treasure what memories he did have, for the rest of his life. As much as he hated himself, he would live, for Sirius if for no one else, and he would do his best.

For Sirius, he would smile. 

But he knew, deep inside, that he would never be whole again. 


	2. Sirius Black

Sirius Black had never been so excited and nervous at the same time. It wasn’t even _his_ child that was being born, and yet he was unusually anxious. He felt like something big was going to happen, something that could change his life - well, beyond the fact that he was getting a godson.

It was only when Sirius first held his newborn godson in his arms, completely oblivious, that he finally understood why.

Sirius watched, frozen in surprise, as Harry - a teenage Harry, it seemed - appeared in front of him and ran around what looked like Grimmauld Place with a couple other kids, presumably close friends of his. 

This was not how he’d expected to find his soulmate, not at all. 

But when he realized that Padfoot was with them, following close behind as he chased the teenagers around the house, Sirius felt himself smile a little. He watched Harry laugh as he was tackled by his friends, followed by Padfoot jumping on them. He watched as everyone snickered breathlessly, all on the floor and messy but obviously enjoying themselves.

It was, perhaps, a simple moment, not anything grand for a soulmate vision, but Sirius found himself enjoying the warm happy atmosphere, something that made him oddly teary eyed - he had never before witnessed such a lighthearted scene within the walls of Grimmauld Place.

The warmth did not last, however, for he was soon, too soon, taken into the second vision. 

The one that left Sirius with nothing but a cold dread that settled deep into his bones. 

It lasted but a few minutes, and Sirius knew nothing of the causes or aftermath of this moment. As short as it was, the impact it left was irreversible. 

He saw another Sirius fight a duel. And he saw, horrified, the moment he was hit with a spell, sent hurtling into a veil and beyond it. He watched himself disappear into the unknown abyss behind the veil - whatever it was - and watched Harry shriek and struggle to reach out to him, only to be held back by someone he could not see clearly.

And he realized grimly that Harry seemed barely any older than the last memory. 

The two events weren’t very far from each other.

Returning to the present, Sirius looked down at the gurgling little baby in his arms, unable to keep himself from picturing the young man he would grow into, and the horrors he would face. What kind of future was it, where students were forced into battle alongside and against adults? What had happened to make it so? And why was it that _Harry_ had to take part? 

His heart broke as he remembered Harry’s face, his laughs and his cries. They would have so little time, he realized. He cradled the little baby closer, hiding his emotions from the still grinning, proud parents of his soulmate.

Sirius would not, _could_ not, tell James. It was more than the fact that his soulmate was James’ kid, and that he was the boy’s godfather. How could he possibly explain what he had seen? His death? The danger Harry was in?

He was overjoyed to have met his soulmate, yes. But the visions he was given filled him with sadness as well, for it was obvious that he would never get a long, happy life together.

And when the baby only smiled up at him, Sirius saw an older Harry’s smile overlapped with it. 

He knew, then and there, that Harry was his first priority. Sirius resolved to do everything he could to make Harry happy. He would do anything, so long as it was within his ability.

“I’ll keep you safe, even if it ends with the cost of my life,” he whispered reverently. “So long as you are okay, I will wish for nothing more.”

* * *

All Sirius’s plans were cut short when Wormtail - _Wormtail,_ of all people - betrayed the Potters and went crawling to Voldemort.

Sirius would never forget the pure panic that had filled him, the desperation and the fear he had felt upon reaching Godric’s Hollow. He would never forget the scene that had greeted him, which had made his blood run cold as dread turned to reality. He would never forget the rage and hatred he felt as he went after the traitor, intent on making him suffer.

But most of all, he would never forget the defeat and crushing helplessness as he was cornered and captured, accused of a crime he did not commit, and carted away. He would always remember his intense guilt over the fact that he had left Harry alone, certainly not by choice, but it was what he had done. 

After all the promises he’d made…

He should never have trusted any other than himself to keep them safe. He would have died before giving their location away. He could have protected them. 

The Potters were more than just his closest friends, they were his family. And he had failed them all. James, Lily, Harry. 

_Harry._ How would he grow up, without his parents and without him? Where? How could he have been so reckless as to go after Wormtail when Harry needed him?

He was a horrible friend and godfather, and an even worse soulmate. Sirius had never before been so repulsed by himself. Perhaps he did belong here in Azkaban.

 _Harry deserves so much better,_ he thought painfully.

If there was one thing Sirius Black vowed never to forgive himself for, it was his role in the Potters’ death and Harry’s poor childhood. It would forever remain his worst mistake, and he would spend the rest of his given time making up for it.

* * *

Sirius’s memories in Azkaban were quite fractured, black and empty moments with a neverending coldness and despair. He did not remember much other than that unnatural cold, up until the moment he realized that Harry might be in danger again. 

He would not let Wormtail harm his loved ones again. Not this time.

And it was with that one aim that Sirius planned his escape, forcing himself to focus on his goal despite how difficult it was to keep a straight mind. It was near impossible, to keep himself out of the mindless vacancy he had been in for so long, but he did it with one thing in mind.

Harry’s smile.

There was nothing that would keep him from keeping that smile alive, not even dementors and Azkaban.

And so he planned and schemed, having never been so grateful for his ability of being an animagus.

The moment he succeeded, Sirius wasted no time getting straight to Hogwarts, intending to do whatever was required to sabotage Wormtail’s devices. 

He hadn’t foreseen that he’d be confronted face to face by Harry and his friends, though. In fact he hadn’t been thinking of informing Harry of their relationship at all, but that was soon out of the question.

He saw the moment when Harry was dragged into his soulmate visions, suddenly pausing as a blank look overtook his face. And Sirius could not help but feel worried. His situation was less than flattering. He’d failed Harry already, so much. It would be so easy for Harry to just refuse him. It was to be expected, with the way he acted and looked.

Harry did not.

Sirius had no idea what he’d done to be blessed with Harry’s forgiveness. He could not stop himself from smiling for the first time since that Halloween evening. It felt awkward, to smile, but Harry’s answering laugh was more than enough reason to.

Watching him, Sirius solemnly swore, again, never to let Harry down again as long as he lived.

* * *

He originally planned on not getting too close to Harry, keeping him at an arm’s length while helping him as best he could. It was not that Sirius didn’t want to, but it was for Harry’s sake. To keep him from being too devastated when the dreaded day arrived. 

If Harry grew used to being with him, it would make the goodbye too difficult for both of them. Sirius, for his part, was already more than fond of his soulmate, but it wasn’t his feelings that mattered. It was Harry’s. For once, Sirius tried to do the mature thing, to be selfless. He truly did.

It soon became clear that it was an impossible task, however. Harry was unarguably a beautiful person, both inside and out, and he was always there with his kind comforts and his smile. And Harry was adamant on getting to know as much about Sirius as he could, making it difficult for him to keep his distance. 

This was not even mentioning how well they got along, how they just seemed to know and understand each other best. 

If Sirius had thought he’d loved Harry before, it was nothing compared to how he felt now, having gotten to know him better.

Many times he fought with himself, arguing that he shouldn’t get too attached, that he shouldn’t let Harry get too attached. It was not fair to Harry, to let him close and then leave him so soon. Sirius did not wish to hurt him any more than he already had. He’d done enough damage.

And yet…

Somehow that had still led him here, with Harry standing in front of him and looking up at him expectantly. If it was what Harry wanted, who was he to refuse? Sirius had tried, but he’d never claimed to be a saint. He could not bring himself to refuse when Harry looked at him like that, all wide green eyes and red cheeks. 

Sirius’s walls crumpled, and he fell, hard.

In that moment, his aims changed entirely. Where he had once tried to stay away, he chose to be as close as possible. 

His goal, now, was to leave as many happy memories he could. Memories that Harry could remember him by with later on, and that would bring a smile to his face long after Sirius passed on.

* * *

Upon Harry’s explanation on what soulmate visions he had had, Sirius only smiled darkly and hugged him tight. 

Those memories were certainly nothing unexpected, they were definitely the memories that defined his life, closely followed by his escape from home and arrival at the Potters. If Harry had asked him to guess, it was exactly what he would have said.

Even so, it hurt to think about. It was even worse to think about what Harry must have gone through, seeing those particular moments, and Sirius hated how vulnerable Harry had sounded as he mentioned his parents. He hated that Harry had seen the horror of that night, and he hated that it was his fault - both that Harry had had to witness it, and that it was partially his actions that had caused it. 

Once again, Sirius wondered what it was that Harry liked about him. He’d never really understand, but he’d take any affection Harry offered him.

Lost in his own thoughts, Sirius nearly missed Harry’s next words.

“What did you see? When you held me first?” 

Sirius hesitated. This was not the time to talk about the visions he’d had. It certainly wasn't any better than Harry’s had been.

Instead, Sirius brought up the fact that it was Harry’s birthday, which he’d carefully prepared for, especially since it was their first together. Forcing negative thoughts out of his head for the day, he focused on diverting Harry’s attention by quickly turning into Padfoot and jumping on him.

He chased Harry down the stairs to the living room, where Ron and Hernione joined in their little game, soon followed by a few of the other Weasley children. 

For the rest of the day, there was none of the pressure and foreboding of the war, the children were for once carefree and lively. There was no more talk of heavy topics, only the light excitement and enthusiasm typical for a birthday party.

It was only later that night that Sirius realized that this day was the one he had seen, in a certain happy little memory, precisely 15 years ago.

* * *

When Harry asked what they would do at the end of the war, Sirius nearly broke. 

It was such an innocent question, something that was so very simple and honest. It should have been easy to answer. It should have given both of them hope. 

Sirius should not have had to feel powerless, unable to do anything but mourn what could not be. 

Sadly, those were the exact feelings he was going through.

The wistful tone in Harry’s voice pierced his heart sharply, but Sirius fought against his emotions. He buried his face in Harry’s hair, breathing deep to keep his voice from shaking when he responded. 

“We should go take a long vacation somewhere, wherever you wish. Even a world tour, if you prefer. Maybe buy a little house far away, where we won’t be bothered by unwanted people. You are pretty famous, after all, we’ll definitely need our privacy. Have all our friends over sometimes, or have pets, anything. I know you’ve told me you want to see the ocean…”

His heart wrenched painfully as he described a future they’d never have. A future that was only a mirage they could never reach, tempting, tantalizing, and most of all, tormenting. It was but a dream, cruel and brutal because of how beautiful it was.

If only they could be given more time. If only there was something he could do to change what he’d seen. If only…

Even as his emotions raged and churned within him, Sirius kept his voice calm as he continued to ramble on, drawing them a little world filled with everything they loved, where all worries did not exist.

Sirius both heard and felt Harry’s breath start to slow down and even out as he drifted into the realm of sleep. Letting the rest of his words trail off, he looked down at the serene expression Harry had, feeling a small, sad smile form on his face. 

Their time was painfully short, but he would love and treasure every moment they had.

* * *

“I love you.”

Sirius was first to say the words. Of course he was, he was the one who knew how little time they had. No matter how often he said it, it would never be enough. And so he did his best, saying them every chance he got. Whenever he held Harry in his arms or wrote a letter, it was repeated as much as he could. 

He also did so because he knew how much Harry loved it, though Harry never told him outright. It showed, in Harry’s reactions to each “I love you.” Sirius loved watching Harry blush in response, or squirm a little, or reply with a little smile and a whispered “I love you too.” 

He didn’t mind at all that Harry wasn’t quite as obvious with expressing his emotions. Sirius knew that Harry was unused to receiving affection, and he reveled in being able to shower Harry in it. In fact, he wouldn’t tell him, but Sirius rather found Harry’s shyness adorable. 

So, he made it his job to remind Harry how loved he was each moment and each day. Just as he walked by in the morning, or when they said “goodnight” before going to bed, or just at random intervals somewhere in the middle.

As time passed, Harry seemed to grow more comfortable with the sentiment. His responses turned more confident, no longer as reserved about showing his feelings. For Sirius, these changes only served to make him even more determined to make sure Harry knew he was loved, and continually remind him so that he never forgot. 

And each time, he knew the end was drawing just a little closer.

“I love you.” _I’m sorry._

* * *

He was running out of time, and he knew it.

Sirius knew, from memory, that Harry was looking almost exactly like he had in the second vision. That it would come to happen soon. 

It was why he asked Harry to come home for Easter, despite the fact that he was aware Harry had never before left Hogwarts during Easter. It was why he requested they be left alone for once, just to have time for themselves. And it was why he took each moment to heart, cherished it with every fiber of his being.

At times Sirius found himself just watching Harry, unable to look away, wondering how he could possibly leave him. He only hoped that Harry would not be too distraught, and would continue to live as he did now - the bright and captivating spirit that Sirius loved so much. That was all he wished. 

Sirius made sure to keep his moments of sorrow to himself, doing his best to never let Harry see or notice that something was off.

Instead he put on his best mischievous grin, making ridiculous jokes and bringing Harry in on crazy plans for pranks. They played games and had matches of Quidditch, spent nights just cuddled and talking or fell asleep holding each other tight.

Never had such everyday moments felt so special.

And upon Harry’s departure back to Hogwarts, Sirius finally allowed himself to break down for the first and the last time. 

He let his frustration and his sorrow bleed out of him, his regrets and pain and grief. How much he despised the fact that there was nothing he could do. The helplessness he felt. It seemed as though the entire world was against them and their happiness, determined to do anything to keep them apart.

And when he had nothing left to offer, Sirius carefully gathered himself up again. 

He wiped his eyes roughly, swallowed down his unsettled emotions, picked up his quill, and started writing.

* * *

When Sirius arrived at the ministry, he took one look at his surroundings and realized that it was today. 

It was the day he’d been preparing for, ever since that fateful night nearly 16 years ago.

He had come to terms with his death since then, and he certainly was not afraid of it. He would die fighting, his death would not be in vain. He would get to see James again, and Lily. Hopefully, they would forgive him his past mistakes. He would finally be free, no longer a wanted man.

The only thing that made him falter was Harry.

Harry. Oh, how Sirius wished they’d had more time. Their relationship, while it had developed quickly and more intensely than Sirius had ever expected, was still so young - as was Harry. There was so much more to be done and said between them, two years was hardly enough. He still wanted to see Harry continue to mature, and see the end of the war, together. 

Sirius knew Harry would not take it well if - when - he failed to come out of this day alive. As much as he hoped it wasn’t true, Harry would definitely blame himself for the events of the day. Without him there to comfort him and tell him it wasn’t his fault, who would take the role? And after that, who would be there to continue to make him laugh?

So no, while Sirius wasn’t afraid, he dreaded leaving Harry alone. 

He tried, despite knowing it was futile, to make Harry leave the area before it happened. To spare Harry the torture of having to watch.

“Harry, take your friends and leave.”

It was futile, of course. Harry didn’t even seem to consider the idea.

 _He wouldn’t be Harry if he had,_ Sirius thought wryly.

With a heavy heart, he dueled Bellatrix, knowing what was waiting for him but ready to face it. _Time’s up._

A red spell hurtled towards him, its path impossible to dodge, and Sirius fell, wishing one last time that Harry would find his letter for him, continue fighting, living, and learn to be happy.

* * *

Harry,

If you are reading this, then it has finally happened.

You asked me once what it was I’d seen for my visions when I held you. I told you I would tell you in time. I assume you have now realized what one of them was. The other was the very day you asked me the question - your birthday.

Please, do not hate me for hiding this from you. I nearly did tell you, many times. But I could not cast a shadow on the already numbered days we had together. I wanted you happy, smiling just the way you know I adore, and I wanted to leave you as many good memories together as I could. 

Did you know, I swore, the day I saw you, to do anything to make you smile.

I’d like to believe I’ve done a good job at that. So hold on to those memories we have, will you? I hope that they will continue to put a smile on your face, even without me physically there. Emotionally, I will never leave. Remember that, I will never leave you, no matter what.

And please don’t blame yourself, whatever the specifics of what happened. Never do that. It would break my heart if you did, Harry. I know you have a history of blaming yourself for anything wrong, but hear me - it is not your fault, and don’t you dare argue with me on this, Harry James Potter. 

Know that I love you. I haven’t told you this enough. In any world, any timeline, any possible reality, this is something that will never change. I know you love me as well, don’t worry that you haven’t conveyed this properly. You did. 

For my sake, keep living. Manage some mischief in the world for me. Keep laughing, and keep smiling. For so long as you smile, it will have been worth it.

I love you,

Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this actually didn’t out the way I thought it would when I first had the idea.   
> For one, it wasn’t supposed to be 8K long. I’m not sure how that happened, because I was originally planning on maybe 4K at most.  
> Now that I’ve written it, I can’t decide if I like it this way or the way I first envisioned it, but it was fun to write!
> 
> Happy Halloween and thank you for reading :)


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